Uniform What Now?
by lovingthis
Summary: Connor's bored. Where do his thoughts lead him? You know you want to read this story- That is if you're as wicked as Connor and enjoy making fun of a certain Soldier... Just a little bit of lighthearted fun.
1. Chapter 1

Please don't take this seriously! I've been sat here waiting until midnight and this occured... I've explained how at the bottom :D

ENJOY!

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><p>Connor was bored. So bored in fact he had done all of his paperwork and found it fun. But now that was done and he was back to bored.<p>

It was weird for him to be in that situation. He hadn't had the leisure to be bored for so long he'd actually forgotten what a depressing dead weight it was. The last time he had really been bored must have been…

He couldn't remember.

Before Burton. Definitely before Burton.

So before the Cretaceous because hadn't that been such a big bundle of fun(!) He rolled his eyes at the thought. At least he'd gained Abby from the one year in hell. Worth it? Certainly!

Pre-Cretaceous, which in itself meant before all the hype about the artefact.

Before Cutter's death maybe?

It would have to be that.

When was the last time before Cutter's death that he had had nothing to do?

He frowned in thought.

Realisation struck.

When he was stuck in a freaking prison cell of course!

Good old Danny! Always knew the right way to make him feel loved.

Lords! How long had it been since he had thought of Danny? Too long, most definitely too long for him to feel like he was a good friend.

He wondered if the other's had thought of the man recently.

He and Abby never spoke of it. Jess and Matt never really knew him- you can't really count one day.

Becker on the other hand probably _did_ think about it. He had spent a year searching for them, blaming himself. And the two men were closer than noted by most of the others.

Connor grinned fondly as he remembered one of the last conversations he and Danny had.

"Becker is really not going to be happy with you."

"Why not?"

"That was his favourite gun."

"We need to get him a girlfriend."

His grin took an evil quality as he pulled his laptop towards him and set himself online.

He started the internet, found Google and hit in his search with purpose.

Uniform

Dating

.

Com

* * *

><p>So, I was casually minding my own business, trawling through the Primeval archive and what would catch my eye but an advert at the side of my screen.<p>

"UniformDating- Date a Soldier"

Well what do you expect me to do with a prompt like that!

Lemme know what you think!

**Oh yeah! I should probabily mention that there'll be another chapter to this... possibly two :D**


	2. Chapter 2

Guys, I'm making this up- I don't have a clue about dating sites! :S

Part way through this I realised that my Dad's cousin (Who's a year older than me) does! :D

*Sighs* now the advert is telling me to date a policeman. -I'd rather have Becker if I'm honest :D

…Unless I can have my pick of men from The Bill… God I loved that show :)

* * *

><p>I am a…<p>

Man looking for a Woman.

Connor was _pretty_ sure on that one, especially after their few late night drunken discussions.

Age range?

That he was looking for, Connor assumed.

23-32?

Yeah that sounded about right for the younger fellow.

Age:

Connor stared at it, confused for a moment.

What _was_ Becker's age?

Younger than him, he knew that much. But how old? There must be one- maybe two years between them?

Aah hell! Connor decided to make it up and put twenty-five.

EMAIL ADDRESS?

What on EARTH was he meant to put there? - Okay he wasn't stupid but he couldn't exactly put _Becker's ARC_ email there! It was probably one of those confirmation things to stop people doing exactly what he was doing!

TO HOTMAIL!

'Don't have a hotmail account?- Sign up.'

Well, Becker _does _need to be on hotmail…

iamcaptainbecker .uk - It's available!

SCORE! Back to the dating site.

Date of Birth:

He was stuck- again! Connor pulled out his phone and sent a text to Abby.

She didn't have a clue.

Sent-box, forward, Jess.

_23 March 1985 Why'd you want to know?_

Urrrr… Panic!

_I thought it was coming up._

So he was wrong. The soldier boy was twenty six. There was less in it than he thought. What was next?

First Name:

Last Name:

Connor bit his lip. He guessed he couldn't get away with "First name: Captain"… He was going to have to make it up. And he didn't even have an initial to work with!

What was his grandfather's name? - he'd use that.

Reginald.

Connor laughed. Captain Reginald Becker.

Becker couldn't complain, he _could _have chosen worse. Boris Becker for example...

Connor paused for a moment before he hit the "I accept" button. (He didn't bother with the Terms and Agreements- Who does?)

The screen went blank as if loading something entirely new.

There were no more questions?

Was it _really_ that easy?

Then the next page loaded.

The word "FLIRT" appeared several times over.

Connor watched in shock as images of people popped up.

He may have gone a bit too far… people might _actually_ try to talk to him…

He started to search the page for a "delete account" button.

Then he spied the "profile" part.

And despite being afraid of Becker he _really_ didn't want to go back to being bored.

Connor grinned, adjusted the settings on his laptop so the screensaver would pop up after thirty seconds- he couldn't risk anyone seeing what he was on- and took hold of his phone.

_I think I'll start by getting a photo…_

* * *

><p>Well yes. Thinking about it I could have, possibly <em>should<em> have left this as a one shot. Oh wells.

Also iamcaptainbecker .uk is NOT available!

Please let me know what you think! If I've ruined it let me know and I'll remove this chappy :D


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey Jess! Where's Becker."

She spun around on her chair and looked at him suspiciously. "What do you need him for?"

"Urr… My current project."

"That involves a soldier?"

"Not just any soldier. Becker."

Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "He's that way." She pointed and Connor could feel her eyes following him until he turned a corner.

Close much?

Turning to Becker's office Connor stopped short at the sight.

There was the prestigious Captain bent over his desk, bum in the air, reaching for something on the other side.

Connor couldn't help it.

He tried to.

He honestly did.

*Honest!*

But the urge was too great.

His hand rose and a finger clicked a button.

Back pacing a couple of steps he walked forwards again, being sure to make a lot of noise.

He found Becker sat in his chair looking for all the world like he'd been stuck in that position for hours.

"Hey, Becks. Mind if I snap a photo?"

Without waiting for an answer Connor lifted his camera for a second time and took a photo.

A rather fetching one of a _very_ good looking man with a handsomely serious expression on his face as he reached for his EMD.

"Ta ra. See ya."

He fled.

Back in his lab Connor punched his password on his keyboard and sent the photo's from his phone onto the laptop.

He could put up an ALBUM?

His eyes widened in glee as he opened a new tab and brought up Facebook.

Searching through "Captain Becker" - yes that's right the man didn't even have his real first name on Facebook!- he found the best of the worst photos he could, plus a couple of topless one's for the comedy value.

Downloading them onto his computer before uploading them onto the site Connor felt a pang of guilt. He really shouldn't be using the ARC to do this.

Plus he really ought to be working.

Then he remembered that there was nothing to do which is why he was putting Becker on a dating site in the first place!

Now to sort out Le Captain's profile. Connor grinned.

Connor rubbed his hands together and flexed his fingers before starting to type.

Hair, Colour, Eyes, Height, Build, Looks, Ethnicity, Star sign, Profession, Income, Education… the list went on.

-/-

Jess scanned the security footage of the building settling on Connor's lab.

At the sight of his happy face her eyes narrowed once more.

She hit some keys on the ADD and opened up communication with one of Becker's men.

"Leroy? Are you busy?"

"_Depends. Wanna meet me in the storeroom?"_

Jess pulled a face.

"No. Go find out what Connor's doing."

-/-

"Temple?"

Connor froze. His expression of childish glee falling from his face.

"Yes?"

"Boss wanted to know what you're doing."

"Work?"

Yep. He said it as a question.

Connor mentally face palmed.

The blonde man stood on the other side of his desk, EMD trained at his laptop.

Connor looked in fear.

"What were you doing?"

Reluctantly Connor turned the laptop around.

Leroy spent a few moments looking at the screen before mouthing the words "Uniform _dating_ dot com?"

And then.

"His eyes aren't hazel. They're brown."

* * *

><p>For those of you who don't know Leroy is an OC on Becker's team who I've mentioned in passing a number of times in some of my fics- the one's with Sam in- but he's never been seen before now. To be honest he's not that nice-a person (bit of an ass and thinks he's a ladies man) but he's good at what he does and that's what counts at the end of the day! :D<p>

And yes, you guys have peer pressured me into it- there is more to come!

But I need your help! On my profile I'm going to put some of the other things that need to be answered. I want _you_ to answer them for me! I want good suggestions for what Connor- or others?- would put in there for our Action Man. Inbox or review I don't mind but I'd love to collaborate with you all on this!


	4. Chapter 4

I'm sorry I've taken so long to do this! I've been ill and ill doesn't make for lighthearted writing!

Also,

The day I uploaded the last chapter I was seriously ill. Luckily, I was bought a tub of Ben and Jerry's for me to enjoy in bed. Then I found out that Ben Mansfield is engaged.

I no longer know what I was scoffing the ice-cream for…

:'(

* * *

><p>Connor was no longer bored it was true.<p>

He was annoyed.

This was _his_ idea.

This was _his_ lab.

And this was _his_ laptop.

And Leroy was taking over.

He mentally stomped his foot.

"No. His eyes are hazel."

They'd been arguing for the past ten minutes on the same thing.

Becker's eyes _are_ hazel.

"Hey! Evans!"

The man stuck his head in the door.

"What colour are the bosses eyes?"

"Becker? Hazel."

"I TOLD YOU SO!"

Connor was relieved that Leroy had proven himself wrong.

"Umm… why were you two arguing over it?"

Before Connor could stop him Leroy had turned the laptop around again.

"Uniform… Oh God. When he finds out he's going to kill yo- REGINALD?"

Cue Connor's terrified expression.

"No need to shout it!"

"Is that his real name?"

"How am I meant to know?"

Evans stepped around to stand behind Connor and Leroy as they turned the laptop back to themselves.

His smile started to mimic Leroy's.

"A word that describes me… D'ya think we can get away with hyphenating Action Man?"

Connor's reply was punching the letters in.

"My Favourite Things?- Ideas anyone?"

"Put guns."

An Irish voice appeared just behind Connor.

_Shiiiiiiiiiiiiii…_

"Matt?"

"I'm as bored as you are, mate."

Connor did as told and put 'guns' as the answer for _all_ of Becker's favourite things… Book, Film, Song, In The World…

He moved his mouse to the "About my career" section.

_Animal transportation._

"No! 'Being a good little Soldier Boy.'"

"Are you crazy? Put 'If I told you I'd have to kill you.'"

Connor rolled his eyes. Regretting his decision to do this.

That's right.

The wrath of Becker he could take.

Putting up with these two block heads?

Hell no.

"You know what, guys. I really need to get to work."

And just like that the Anomaly Alarm went off.

* * *

><p>Big thanks to andrewleepotts, BethBecker, MissGracieKathy and Heyarandomgal for their inputs!<p>

Let me know what you think! There are seven of you with this on alerts. If I don't hear from *All* of you I will name and shame! :D

THANKS!


	5. Chapter 5

Big thanks to MissGracieKathy who I think wins the Best Review Award for the last chapter with "HES ENGAGED! NO!"

You know, we rounded review- notes on the content of the chapter/ writing style/ humour...

I laughed!

Enjoy!

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><p>It was three days since the most recent anomaly alert.<p>

Three.

And Becker was pissed.

Three days since he was last allowed to shoot a living creature.

Three days since he had been filled with the rush of a near death experience.

Three days since his men had started to call him 'Reg'.

Why?

He had no idea.

But it _had_ to stop.

-/-

"Connor."

The scientist closed the internet screen on his laptop and pulled up sheets of physics equations which he was relating on his most recent project.

"Becker, how can I help you?"

It was a bit too close for his linking.

Connor decided to add a device to the door at the end of the corridor to warn him when people were approaching.

"Just need stress relief."

"DON'T HIT ME!"

"I- I wasn't going to hit you."

"Oh, okay then. Why're you stressed?"

"All my men keep calling me Reg."

Connor choked.

"What?"

His voice squeaked.

"They're calling me _Reg_."

"Uh."

It was still squeaking.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

Connor silently thanked any deity that may be seated in a golden throne for not dooming him to a future of pain.

"Okay."

He waved his hands dismissively.

"Why don't you go shoot something?"

"Is that all you think I do?"

Becker sighed at the stereotyping, then conformed and left.

Connor _had_ to get rid of that site.

-/-

They had several processing units on the ADD which trawled the internet using image recognition software and other such technical devices, to not only search for animal sightings but also anything that included their team. The only problem was it only registered the site when the number of hits started to increase.

The idea was that if there was one nutter posting stuff about a ball of shiny light it wasn't a problem- until people started reading about it.

It annoyed Jess just how much the staff posted on Facebook. She was notified at every status update- it included their names, and every picture upload- courtesy of the image recognition software.

Did they not have lives?

She was sick of having to check through each post they made to ensure they weren't breaking the Official Secrets Act.

And then a notification came through that she wasn't expecting. The subject indicated it was to do with Becker. Opening the file she paused in shock for a few moments.

"Uniform… _what_ now?"

* * *

><p>For some reason, after re-reading the first part of this, I found I can only read it as if it's the trailer to some strange action film!<p>

Give it a shot- It's funnier.

Let me know what you think!

Thanks.


	6. Chapter 6

"UniformDating- Date a Soldier"

^ still makes me laugh!

Enjoy another chapter of dating site madness!

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><p>"CONNOR!"<p>

He flinched as Jess's voice reverberated around his lab.

Matt, Emily, Abby, Leroy, Evans and a number of other ARC soldiers and Techies made as if to bolt.

"Hi, Jess."

Connor looked at the others wishing that they had pretended they were in a meeting or something.

The co-ordinator looked livid.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Umm-"

"Don't pull that face, I know it was you! What he's looking for in a girl- Medium brown hair, tech savvy, unique sense of style?"

Connor was frozen in terror.

At least she was only complaining about the description.

Which _he_ hadn't put down.

No.

_That_ was Emily's idea.

Sneaky devil woman.

"Um."

He decided to speak before he lost his nerve.

"What do _you _think he is looking for in a girl?"

"My style is **not** _unique_. It's _colourful_!"

Matt gestured to Connor's laptop.

"Come here and edit it then."

Smiling, Jess clipped over, pushed the man out of the way and started to type.

Connor goldfished.

"What? I have a sense of humour."

-/-

Five minutes into Jess's extreme edit, the door down the corridor emitted a loud bang.

Leroy darted his head out of the door to find the source.

"Uh, Jess?"

"Uhuh?"

"You umm- found out about this how?"

"ADD- I get informed when information about an ARC member is posted on the internet."

She never looked up from her typing.

"Yeah. You _did_ close the window didn't you?"

Her head shot up.

"What?"

Eyes widened all around.

"_Please_ tell me you did."

Connor was begging.

"Um." It was her turn to squeak in fear. She stood up, forced Connor into his chair and then,

"WE TOLD YOU, CONNOR! IT'S IMMATURE AND WE DO NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF IT!"

As the group backed away from him Connor realised the boycott.

"No, no, don't do this to me."

"Jess is right Connor. This was childish and you should know that we would _never_ approve of it."

Matt was next to start.

All Connor could do was watch, shaking in silent horror, as Becker entered his lab.

* * *

><p>I wrote "as Becker entered his lap" first time. It looked wrong for AGES but I couldn't figure out why!<p>

Woops!

Would you really all hate me if I left this as the last chapter?

Thank you all for your amazing responses so far!

Let me know what you think, guys!


	7. Chapter 7

*Gives in to peer pressure*

Higher rating for gruesome murder...

YouHaveLovelyHair gave a number of suggestions as to what Becker would do including "taking Connor to the range and use him for target practice- real guns obviously, not EMD's"  
>(Because EMD's are for wimps riiight...?)<p>

And

"chase him down the street in a tank?"  
>(Because that isn't rather extreme and -debatably- uncalled for!)<p>

But Connor needs to be punished so I found a suitable- yet un deadly- way for Becker to vent his frustration. At this point I feel I must apologise to MissGracieKathy as she said she wanted to see how badly Connor would get killed. (After all, there are varying degrees of dead…)

ENJOY the _very last_ chapter! *sheds a tear of sadness*

-/-

Connor stood in the doorway feeling like a lost boy.

"Becker?"

He was sat watching the TV in front of him, a look of great concentration on his face and PS2 controller in his hands.

"Umm… Can I come in?"

Connor was truly scared at the man's calm.

Becker had walked into his lab, taken a good look at all people there, walked to Connor's laptop, looked at the screen and had then left.

_Without a word._

And _that_ was what scared them all the most.

When he didn't answer the question Connor decided to risk it.

Keeping his distance from Becker he edged into the room and glanced at the game Becker was playing.

He stopped moving immediately.

It was Sims.

And currently two Sims were in action. One dark haired male Sim was running around in flames while the other, a short to medium length blond haired woman, was being forced to ignore it's burning companion and try and make food from the fridge, the green plumbob flickering between their heads.

Connor flinched as the Grim Reaper appeared.

He backed himself against the wall as he watched Becker select his next victim.

As he flicked through the Sims, Connor couldn't help but be impressed by how accurately Becker had created over ten Sims in the five minutes it had taken for the others to persuade Connor to go an apologise. (He was convinced by an ultimatum from Abby- "do it or Rex get's your side of the bed" along with an undercurrent of "and I'll give Sid and Nancy all your clothes")

Becker flicked onto the Jess Sim and sent her to the swimming pool - despite the fact she was exhausted- and then removed the steps.

"Hey!"

Connor was shocked.

"What are you killing her for?"

"She'd opened the email forty minutes before I got to the ADD and she'd only _just_ started to tell you off? I'm not stupid, Connor."

Seemingly satisfied that Jess Sim was sufficiently trapped, Becker found the Matt and Emily Sims and walked them to the garden.

Going into build mode he created a small outhouse around them.

And neglected to add doors.

Or windows

Or fridges, beds, toilets, sinks…

"Ooh that's just cruel! You're locking them in the un-dead!"

Connor mimed zipping his lips as Becker threw him a death glare.

Becker then ordered a number of his men into the main section of the house. Entering the build mode again he covered the place in rugs. Then he took a model rocket and set it off inside.

Connor jumped in shock as the entire room burst into flames and the fire alarm started to blare.

The fire service quickly arrived but the entire house was dead. It was the Grim Reapers job to collect all the lost souls.

Connor stood, watching in horror at the mass carnage.

But Becker didn't stop.

The two remaining soldiers, ironically Leroy Sim and Evans Sim, were placed with Abby Sim and the few Techies in the garden, seeming to have run out of ways to kill them Becker rebuilt a house and sent them on their way, fast forwarding time with a cheat.

As the place got messier and messier it eventually flooded.

Becker made Abby fix a broken electronic machine.

They were all electrocuted.

Still wide eyed, Connor cautiously pushed himself from the wall and craned his head, peering at the soldier's face.

He seemed remarkably relaxed for someone who had just murdered half of his work force.

"Feeling better for that?"

The man turned and flashed him a grin.

"Much thanks, Connor."

Becker rose and started to leave the room, as he got to the door her paused and turned.

For a moment Connor's heart stopped.

Had Becker decided to lull him into a false sense of security?

Was he going to hit him?

"By the way. I hacked into your Facebook."

Connor's eyes widened.

"I thought 'Abby Temple' was a pretty insecure password so I've changed it for you."

-/-

Esmerelda Diana Parker, I wrote the Sid and Nancy threat before you reviewed. Are you a mind reader?

Thank you to everyone who reviewed this story that is (take a deep breath!):

Heyarandomgal, E is for Idiot, Simpa007, andrewleepotts, SolarLunar, YouHaveLovelyHair, Beth Becker, hoellenwauwau, juls124, MissGracieKathy, XxMaggietemplexX, Cooper101, Rue Mo, Katy-alice Cullen, lilnicki23, sarahluvsdwrh, Ladycraft, Esmerelda Diana Parker, auntineenah, Corey Fitzwilliam, , SA Summer, and last but not least Trude

You all kept me motivated to change a late night one-shot into this multi chapter hit!

Hope you liked the ending!

THANK YOU AGAIN!

(And a note to the future- if you're one of the people trawling the ffn archive and stumble across this and you have laughed excessively do leave a review! Ta-ra!)


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